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The Art of Naming your 5-a-side team

Posted by admin on 25th July 2015

Words by Nick Frith

 

So you’ve made the best decision you could and decided to join a 5aside.org league. But now for the hardest part of the sign up process – what are you going to call your team? Hours could be spent down the pub deliberating, or sending emails to your teammates whilst avoiding work, all in quest of the perfect team name. Will your team name be funny, or intimidating? Will it be football related, or a private joke? With endless possibilities, the quest for the perfect name can be long and arduous.

As there are so many different ways of doing it and so many different rules to follow, here at 5aside.org HQ we have decided to give you a helpful guide to naming your team. Just think how many more teams will be joining the leagues after we make this process a whole lot easier.

The team names we’ve come across in our leagues fall into some clear categories, and this is the best way to select your team. Narrow down your search and the answer becomes clearer.

Geographical team names

This is a very obvious way to choose your name. Your team all live in Wimbledon? Why not ‘KFC Wimbledon’? Crouch End? Then you’re the ‘Crouch Potatoes’! Simple, effective and everyone knows what you’re about. It can also be where you all grew up – ‘Dublin Rovers’ leave little doubt as to what they what they’ll be having for their post-match drink.

As a rule, take your location and add a footballing suffix of your choice – ‘Wandsworth Stanley’ at your service.

5aside.org’s choice – Dynamo Pimlico (Our Battersea Tuesday 5-a-side Champs!)

Favourite Team/Player names

Some of these are truly spectacular. As a fan of a good pun, this is probably my favourite method of name selection. The premise is simple – take a well-known team or player’s name and give it your own, hilarious twist. A little self-deprecation or sexual-innuendo also seems to go a long way.

There are some classics which have reoccurred over the years – ‘Le Saux Solid Crew, ‘Making Emile of It’ and ‘Haven’t Got a Kalou’. But you can do better than that. Try combining some of your passions outside football into the name. If you’re a fan of smutty literature then it’s hard to look beyond ‘50 Shades O’Shea’ as a team name. Any driving instructors have little choice but to name their team ‘Mirror, Signal, Malouda’. For anyone big into recycling (and who isn’t?) then ‘Jimmy Floyd Bottle Baink’ is a must.

Popular culture can play a big role in these names – the selection of areas to choose your team name from is huge, including:

Music – ‘Fiorentina Turner’, ‘No Weimann No Cry’, ‘Murder on Zidane’s Floor’.

Film – ‘The Neville wears Prada’, ‘Lahmageddon’, ‘Krul Runnings’

TV – ‘Ballotelitubbies’, ‘Absolutely Fabregas’, ‘How I Met Your Mata’

Food – ‘Baines on Toast’, ‘The Odem Chickenwingies’, ‘Xavi Dodgers’

Drink – ‘Beercalona’, ‘Rodallega Bombs’, ‘Diego Costa Coffe’

Endless possibilities, with just one key ingredient required to create the perfect team name. Originality. With over 300 teams gracing our 5aside.org pitches we spend a lot of time shouting team names across the office, which leads to us becoming pretty immune to most attempts at humour.

Therefore when someone has a moment of genius and creates an original name, it is met with full appreciation by the 5aside.org team.

5aside.org’s choice – Insert Joe Kinnear

Work Teams

Many of our sides join the league as work teams, adding a new element to naming a team. Some teams keep it simple and just use their company name, whilst others attempt to be a little more adventurous. The most commonly used tactic here is to take your company name and throw ‘FC’ on the end. Simple, effective, but not particularly exciting. The 5 teams in our Marlborough Gardens league who followed this tactic may be wishing they’d given it a little more thought! Alternatively the addition of an alliterative animal is also popular – see Scripps Scorpions and PWC Panthers as examples. We have seen two teams at London Bridge come up with slightly more original ideas – design company ORM have entered as stORMtroopers (capitalisation intended), whilst the boys from Automic couldn’t resist the opportunity to become Automic Kittens. One of the best attempts in this area comes from a team of town planners, taking some Greek inspiration and entering a league as Planathanikos. Footballing poetry.

5aside.org’s choice – Borussia Teeth (For a team of dentists!)

Psychological Edge

There are two ways you can play this. One, by trying to intimidate the opposition aka Leeds from the 1970’s, or two, by fooling the opposition into thinking you ain’t much cop, before springing a surprise attack of tiki-taka football. Soho Bruisers at Mint Street certainly don’t sound like the kind you’d like to bump into down a dark alley, whilst the number of Sub-Standard Lieges entered into our leagues really does leave us questioning our teams’ self-confidence. Whether any of these mind games actually work remains very, very unlikely.

5aside.org’s choice – Real SoSoBad

Bad Taste

Boys will be boys. Inevitably, a number of teams are named with a pinch of sexual innuendo or bad taste. We’re yet to receive a team name we’ve had to turn down, but it’s bound to happen one day. ‘Arcelona, Stroke Titty and Crystal Phallus’ at least manage to maintain a footballing link, which is a slight saving grace. There are many more touching on all sorts of crude subjects, which for the purpose of this blog I will leave to your imagination.

5aside.org’s choice – **********

So that just about covers it – although there is obviously much more to choose from. Private jokes are all well and good, as long as you’re happy with your name making absolutely no sense to anyone else! There are a few team names which we’re pretty sure are just chosen to make our lives harder in the office – having ‘We might turn up’ and ‘We might not turn up’ playing in our leagues certainly confuses us occasionally. So take as long as you want deliberating over what your team are going to be called, but just remember one thing… At the end of the day you do your talking on the pitch.